posted 12-21- 10:48 AM            

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck

11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef

12. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the dog

13. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

14. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

15. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

16. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

17. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

18. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

19. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive-by-shooting.

20. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store .

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Shooting Yourself in the Foot
or
How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
[ Note: this collection of descriptions of programming languages has been circulating on the net for several years, gradually being added to by numerous anonymous contributors, and is based on the much-quoted principle that in C it's fairly easy to "shoot yourself in the foot" (metaphorically speaking), whereas in C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you usually blow your whole leg off. There are a lot of light-bulb jokes for programmers out there, too; you can thank me later for sparing you those... ]

The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.

C:
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++:
You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."

Objective C:
You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.

Ada:
If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
-- or --
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Algol (60 or 68):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

Algol 60:
You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun since it doesn't have any provision for input or output.

Algol 68:
You mildly deprocedure the gun, the bullet gets firmly dereferenced, and your foot is strongly coerced to void.

APL:
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
-- or --
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.

Assembly language:
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
-- or --
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

Basic:
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic:
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

FoxPro:
Was shooting itself in the foot before any other language was.

Delphi:
You instantiate a Colt .45 from the :Gun class, a bullet from the :Ammo class, and a leg from the :Appendage class but the process fails because of a missing }.

Access:
Now everybody can shoot themselves in the foot with a BB gun.

MUMPS:
Cannot understand the previous implementation of GUN, BULLET, or LEG so you attempt to rewrite them in one line of code. Discover that GUN is obsolete.

Cobol:
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
-- or --
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun won't fire unless it's aligned in column 8.

DBase:
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

DBase IV version 1.0:
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

Eiffel:
You take out a contract on your foot. The precondition is that there's a bullet in the gun, the postcondition is that there's a hole in your foot.

Forth:
You yourself foot in shoot.

Fortran:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

Java:
You shoot yourself in the foot. Everyone else who accesses your website leaves hobbling and cursing.

Lisp:
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun jams on a stray parenthesis.
-- or --
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

Scheme:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

Pascal:
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Modula-2:
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Perl:
You shoot yourself in the foot. You then decide it was so much fun that you invent another six completely different ways to do it.

PL/I:
You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
-- or --
Since the bullet is a different type from your foot, the bullet automatically gets converted to another foot on arrival. It's still difficult to walk afterwards.

Prolog:
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.
-- or --
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

Smalltalk:
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
-- or --
You shoot yourself in the foot, and your foot sends "doesNotUnderstand: Pain" to your brain.

Snobol:
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
-- or --
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Paradox:
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation:
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

English:
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

Clipper:
You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail REAL SOON NOW.

SQL:
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.

370 JCL:
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Concurrent Euclid:
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk:
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif:
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...