posted 04-03- 01:02 PM            

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now"

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing since 15"

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 Last Names"

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software" (MicroSoft Motto)

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

18. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."

19. "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS. A day's work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

36. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."

38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

posted 04-04- 12:40 AM               

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause
People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep
Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To
Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student
Pregnant.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame
Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No
Hard Feelings."
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But
Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass .
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices
Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't
Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite
Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But
Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An
Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This
Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The A s s , Then
You're Doing It Wrong...
35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back
Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For
35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service, Gals: No
Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen in A Restaurant]
39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why
Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To
Crack Open A Cold One.
41. Ax Me About Ebonics
42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
43. Boldly Going Nowhere
44. Cat: The Other White Meat
45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating
His Animal Friends
48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired
From A Car Window
49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He Is Lost?
50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance,
Riddle Them With Bullets.
51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps
The Kids In Touch
52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got
It!
53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer
Mom.
54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make
Better Pets.
56. Some people are only alive because it is
illegal to shoot them.
57. I used to have a handle on life, but it
broke.
58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight
relationship.
59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast
anymore.
60. So you're a feminist...Isn't that
precious.
61. I need someone really bad...Are you
really bad?
62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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nealg=FC=

posted 04-04- 07:36 PM            

Wake up in here? Well, how about a round on me, would that wake things up? Sure I'm counting the chickens before they're hatched, but I'm 99% sure I've got myself a date for after finals, might even be on my deferred birthday too!!! (I have finals on my actual birthday. I do every year.) Woohoo! I have no clue how I'm going to concentrate now...

Question 1: Use a Taylor Series to approximate the equation f(x)= 2x / (e^x - e^-x), and find to which value the series converges as x approaches infinity:

a) Vassiliki
b) Vassiliki
c) Vassiliki
d) Vassiliki

hehe (her family's Greek).

Werner

posted 04-04- 09:39 PM               

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posted 04-04- 11:56 PM               

Werner - good luck!! And luck on the finals, too!!!! Hey Jeeves...let's get hold of Eyes, maybe he can find out about her family and put in a good word for Werner! Oh, and next time you're in the teacher's lounge, you could maybe put in a good word for your squad mate, the one with the flair of Bogart and the body of Adonis.

No!! I did NOT mean Mirthain!

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nealg=FC=

posted 04-05- 12:28 AM            

As for my attempt to avoid the fickle finger of Darwin, judging on how bad my last date (nearly a year ago) was, things can really only get better from here. In that one night:

-Arrived to pick her up 45 minutes late because of an accident and construction.
-We couldn't find the theatre because neither one of us was exactly sure where it was (indie theatre) so we went to the Imax instead.
-While searching for the theatre I accidentally turned the wrong way down a one way street, and went through two intersections before cluing in that "gee that guy on the intersecting road came close to creaming us, didn't I have the green, oh, wait, I have NOTHING!"... fastest two point turn you've ever seen.
-Arrive for dinner after the Imax, and I'm thinking things are looking up. Then an old and dear friend of my date's turns out to be our waiter, and didn't have much to do so the two of them chatted ad infinitum. Finally the pseudo-maitre'd (it wasn't that fancy a joint) came over and told her to leave us alone.
-By that point it was futile anyways, I was starting to feel ill from the hotwing appetizers I had ordered (and neglected to share, d'oh!). I dashed off to the bathroom and promptly returned to square one, if you know what I mean.
-We then proceeded to a bar to catch up with the birthday festivities of two of our classmates. One was plastered by the time we got there, the other puked all over the floor moments after we arrived.

As you can imagine, I was informed on the way home that there would be no second round. The reason was legitimate and had nothing to do with the date, remarkably, and in fact the two of us are still quite close as we were and are still very good friends.

Now just think of that the next time you're on a date gone sour.

WM

posted 04-05- 12:55 AM               

Werner...

That is an untoppable one....I hope and pray the next one goes better for you...hopefully that story didn't get out too much

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Brought to you by the campaign for a better Dauntless!

posted 04-05- 01:06 AM               

Anyway the holly wood pyro guy that handled all the explosives, mostly gasoline and dynamite, had a T shirt the read "If you see me runnin' try to keep up!"

posted 04-05- 02:47 PM            

Jeeves - Since we were both in a graduating class of ~45 people, you share pretty much anything (its like a big extended family), the story did get out but it wasn't a big deal, the consensus was that she should have gotten over her last guy (also in our grade) seeing as they had been broken up for months at that point. That was the reason why there wasn't a second date, to paraphrase what she said, it wouldn't have been fair to string me along if she had feelings as mixed as she did. I respect that. In any case we're still close, and actually I think the 'adventures' of that evening brought us closer.

As for Vicki, she doesn't know about that story, thankfully.

If nothing else though, jeeves, it'll make a great story for my kids, assuming "Darwin" doesn't get to me first.

Werner

posted 04-06- 03:00 AM               

Werner; I am still wiping tears away from that story! Yeah..laughter! You have no idea the memory of one or two dates I had that your tale brought back to me....and the thought that, as embarrassing as they were, I would relive them again and love it!

A toast to the War Between The Sexes - the only war that gets more fun as it heats up!

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nealg=FC=

posted 04-06- 09:59 AM               

Around 1964 I was trying to impress this girl that worked at the Dairy Queen. I never ate so many ice cream cones in my life! Anyway I finally convinced her a date would be a good idea (wrong).

I picked her up in my 53 Ford convert with the twin two barrels and straight pipes. What a car, black and white with a red interior. Well it failed of course, those damn carbs always flooded at the wrong time and this was one of them!

My dad picked us up where I had ditched the car and dropped us off a the Paramont Theatre. My dad was one of those guys that think they are very funny but really come off sounding like a dork. As he did his best jokes I could see the curtain coming down on this night.

The movie was some hot rod flick but there was some love interest. He really loved his hot rod. My date was bored to tears and I was nervous as ten cats in a dog pound. Forget the arm around the neck, not this night. A bad movie, my date comatose, my car parked in a bad neighborhood, could things get worse?

Things got much worse. As the movie wanned on and the spilled coke dried I had to pea. The Paramont Theatre was one of those old movie houses with the gold gild and fake Roman stuff all over. The bathroom was as far as my dates mind and I was runnin' because I had held it way to long.

Of course I tripped. The statue could be repaired and no one saw me do the Evil Kenival on it so I proceded to the boys room. As I finished the longest pea in my life I began to zip up. You know it, it caught in my zipper!

By the time I had worked it out and stopped the bleeding the movie was over and my date had called her dad.

posted 04-07- 12:41 AM               

Weren't those old theaters great? Most had been converted from early Vaudeville theaters. I recall one in Sioux City that likely was a clone of the Paramount you refer to. Heck, it may even have been called that! A lot of them were...but I think it was the Royal or something like that.... Huge vaulted ceilings, balconies, those heavy old drapes, gild all over, even a special scent ( read, odor!! ) combined of things best not thought on too heavily. Sitting on the bottom level in the back, getting the old arm comfy, getting bathed in Coca Cola, Ice, and popcorn from the balcony! Tends to ruin the moment, hehe!

Great stuff...

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nealg=FC=

posted 04-16- 10:13 PM            

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