posted 02-20- 04:26 PM            

STUDY FINDS YOU REALLY DON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE
In Grand Scheme of Things, Your Hard Work, Diligence, Found to Mean Squat

London, England — In an unprecedented study, British and American researchers have concluded that despite what you've been told at work, you really don't make a difference, and are not remotely integral to your company's success.

"In our research, we found that you've been encouraged to believe that your hard work and contributions are substantial, and that you are a significant member of the team. But what we discovered is that in your particular case, there's no way," said Neil Romsby of the London School of Economics.

In the study, jointly conducted by the LSE and Stanford University's Business School, researchers interviewed your superiors and colleagues, and uncovered a variety of slogans meant to boost employees' sense of worth, such as "Our employees are our greatest asset," and, "Our value is in our employees."

"We're not necessarily saying these platitudes are all lies," said Stanford economics professor Harold Bloom. "We're just saying they have nothing to do with you."

"That may seem sad," Bloom noted, "but it's actually rather funny because your situation is quite obvious to everyone else."

Romsby added that it's also ironic. "When you tell your boss he is doing a good job, you know you are lying, but when your boss tells you the same thing, you actually believe it. That's priceless."

Romsby cautions you, however, not to assume you are simply a meaningless number to your company. "No, that's not a fair comparison," he said, "because numbers are actually quite meaningful to your company. Unlike you."

Researchers concede the study may be difficult to accept — even though your colleagues insist it shouldn't really be a surprise — but suggest you begin by substituting the word meaningless for important whenever your boss or colleagues speak to you. For example: "Diane, this is a really meaningless project and I think you can make some meaningless contributions as a meaningless member of the team." Once you feel comfortable with that, Bloom added, substitute the word "shitty" for "meaningless," and you'll have a pretty good sense of where you stand.

In another finding, researchers also learned that contrary to your company's public relations claims, your company is not really "creating the future" or "improving people's lives." This, Romsby explained, is actually good news for you.

"By failing to make a difference at a place that also doesn't make a difference, at least you're not really hurting anybody," he said.

In other research findings:

¤ When your company says "Great companies are made by great employees," they aren't talking about you.

¤ When your company insists that "Each employee makes a special contribution," that's not you either, unless you consider having your head up your ass half the day as "special."

¤ When your company discusses its relatively low turnover rate, it wouldn't mind if it went up another point, if you catch our empirical drift.

¤ Your deep-seated fear of being revealed as a fraud who doesn't really deserve the job you have is unfounded. Everybody knows.

And:

COURT ORDERS NAPSTER TO STOP AS SOON AS JUDGES
FINISH DOWNLOADING PINK FLOYD, RICKY MARTIN
Napster Servers Too Busy for Judges to Get Songs They Wanted

San Francisco, Cal. — In a 2-to-1 decision, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ordered song-swapping service Napster to stop trading copyrighted material as soon as the judges finish downloading their favorite Pink Floyd songs, which the judges have been unable to access due to heavy demand on Napster's servers.

"The 9th Circuit concurs with the district court and finds the defendant, Napster Inc., is responsible for the direct infringement of plaintiffs' copyrighted materials, and should therefore cease doing so pursuant to the panel's acquisition of three more cuts from Dark Side of the Moon, which we were unable to obtain over the past 72 hours," wrote Judge Mary Schroeder, who said she was still missing the hits Money, Breathe in the Air, and Brain Damage.

"We also concur with the lower court that the defendant's usage harms the plaintiffs' market for copyrighted works such as Ricky Martin's She Bangs, which I would have loaded and ripped by now if everybody and their brother weren't downloading over the weekend and maxing out Napster's servers," added Judge Richard A. Paez.

However, in a blistering dissent, Judge Robert R. Beezer, 72, argued that the plaintiffs failed to prove that Napster infringed on copyrighted music because, "most of the stuff they're talking about, like this Metallica or Ricky Marvin (sic), that's just not music. Now if we're talking about Benny Goodman or Glenn Miller, that's music," Beezer wrote.

Lawyers for the plaintiffs, which include Sony Music, Universal, and EMI, hailed the ruling, but warned the judges they would be guilty of copyright infringement if they attempted to download free songs instead of paying for them. Judge Schroeder, however, dismissed those concerns, noting that she already owned Dark Side of the Moon, "but on vinyl, and it's totally scratched."

Judge Paez, meanwhile, insisted that he planned to buy the Ricky Martin CD containing She Bangs for his niece "in the very near future." Paez pledged not to use Napster afterward, but would instead turn to other peer-to-peer music networks, such as Gnutella, "which I heard is pretty cool." Schroeder totally concurred.

In a separate statement, Schroeder issued an obiter dictum stating that prima facie, Martin appears to be "very hot."

posted 02-20- 11:32 PM               

I do tell the world to screw off - all the time - but the damn world has a bigger screwdriver than I do!!

He with the most toys, wins; but he wouldn't even have fought if he hadn't been envious of the one with the BIGGEST toys!

There's a moral in there, but I think it can only be found at the bottom of that keg behind the bar...refill anyone?

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