posted 01-31- 03:07 PM            

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something
they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc). These people have
all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your
ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner
Broadcasting, Wal-Mart, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do
sometimes have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your
ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your
ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up,
spend your money, and get the hell out of here --or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't
put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't
give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets
kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR
scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say " sir " and " ma'am,"
hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little grey-haired grannies or they'll kick some manners into your
ass
just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or St. Louis. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us
how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is
kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred
barbecue, and you go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

posted 01-31- 03:27 PM               

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Brought to you by the campaign for a better Dauntless!

posted 01-31- 03:58 PM               

A few to add:

Dont come down here wearing your expensive store bought "western wannabe" clothing with pink fringes or you will get your ass kicked!

And dont ask someone from Texas if everyone in Texas wears a cowboy hat and rides a horse. You will get you ass personally kicked by me!

And you know that old saying "Only steers and quees come from Texas" Well the steers were born here and the queers came from out of town and will soon get their ass kicked out there of!

posted 01-31- 11:54 PM               

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nealg=FC=

posted 02-01- 12:29 PM            

Burkey, if you Europeans come over and try and paint us with your dirty brush....well we'll kick your ass!

posted 02-01- 01:15 PM               

If we feel that we can get by better by adopting a “Southern” personality, we’ll start kicking the dirt with our toes, and saying things like “Aw, shucks!”

Or if needed, we can straighten up, use proper diction, and do a passable imitation of someone from “Up North.”

In the Civil War, we had no affiliation whatsoever. We just saw it as a great opportunity to roam the countryside, joining whichever side looked good that day, and used it as an excuse to kill lots and lots of people. We didn’t really have an agenda other than killing lots and lots of people.

After the war was over, we had a hard time accepting that we could no longer roam the countryside at will, killing lots and lots of people, so we started going over into Kansas and just trashing, looting, raping and burning any towns close to the border, and then running back into Missouri as quick as we could. But that’s another story for another day…

Then when we couldn’t do that any more, we started harboring all kinds of Prohibition Era criminals. We loved’em here in Missouri. Couldn’t get enough of’em.

We’ve had some pretty cool twisted serial killers too. Bardella, that guy and that woman that had the “corpse” farm, and some other neat stuff.

Basically, we just like a lot of violence here in Missouri.

But what was I talking about? Oh yeah!

So, since I come from a long line of fence-straddling killers, I just couldn’t resist the temptation.

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner.

1) No, we wouldn’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. We are aware that it is a breakfast restaurant chain, and not even a diner at that. You are obviously confusing your habit of walking into Red Lobster and demanding chitlins, with us.

Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc).

2) Heaven forbid that anyone should laugh at such quaint names. They’re priceless. The fact that everyone basically shares a lot of first names down there (and a lot of other things we won’t talk about here) necessitates the usage of a secondary name to distinguish yourselves from each other. Understood.

Down here it's called Coke.

3) “Coke”? Kind of “Northern”, isn’t it? South of the Mason-Dixon line, I’ve always heard it called “So-die pop.”

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty, Williams, Faulkner).

4) I would say some, but certainly not “most” of you are literate. The only problem is that quite often the literate ones tend to be manic depressive, alcoholic, drug-addicts. Sometimes they’re even manic depressive, alcoholic, drug-addicted homosexuals. This is even further complicated by the fact that to find anyone intelligent enough to portray their works in plays or movies, one must go to Manhattan, pardon me, “Nu-Yawrk Sitty” to do so.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner
Broadcasting, Wal-Mart, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape).

5) Not so sure about business sense. Don’t know a lot about Fred Smith. He probably ought to start worrying a little bit though; one word: Fax. Ted Turner’s alright as long as he keeps giving money to save the Earth and keeps his mouth shut, and the head of Wal-Mart was educated in mid-Missouri. MTV is now owned by 16 year old gang members from both coasts, everyone’s using IE instead of Netscape, and I think we all know how we feel about phone companies. Probably should have just dropped this one entirely.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments.

6) Of course we won’t laugh at your Civil War monuments. You have to leave enough virility in people so they’ll work well at plants supporting Northern business interests. Um sure, wa-hoo you rebel rapscallions, you almost got us by crackie!

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up

7) Make you a deal: You keep quiet about how frickin’ high the humidity is in Missouri, and we’ll keep our mouths shut about yours when we’re down there. ‘Nuff said.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.

8) We don’t eat at Cracker Barrel. We built it by the highway, so people from Ohio will stop in and give us their money, while they’re driving down South, to get their asses kicked.

Don't fake a Southern accent.

9) If we start talking in a Southern accent, we either lost concentration, or are really, really drunk. We’ve been fighting it for many years. Sometimes we lose.

Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago and DC, and we have the scars to prove it.

10) Well, we’d have the scars to prove it too, if we were stupid enough to walk up to 17 year-old teenage gang members and say things like, “Hey faggot, where’d ja get that-there earring?” 17 year-old gang members in Northern hellholes are pretty good at kicking your ass.

We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you.

11) I think I speak for all citizens above the Mason-Dixon line: Thank you.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.

12) Two words: Diaper Trees.

Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grannies or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) Same here. This even goes for the 17 year-old teenage gang members.

That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or St. Louis. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

14) Actually, we’ve learned the art here up North, of herding all the miscreants, pseudo-yuppies, and 17 year-old teenage gang members into cesspools like New York and St. Louis. Then we promote them as really neat places to visit, so rubes like you will go there and get your asses kicked.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us
how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is
kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred barbecue, and you go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

15) Look Donnie-Bob, or whatever the hell your quaint Southern name is, we don’t consider incinerating the part of a pig that no self-respecting Missourian would consider eating, cooked on a grille made from the front end of a ’62 Chevy, then stripping the charred mass into little shredded bits, and drowning it in a sea of shitty sauce, and then spooning it out on cheap white bread “barbeque.”

Kansas City, MISSOURI, has been, and always will be, the Barbeque Capital of The World. Period.

If you ever want to attempt to have an intelligent discussion, and actually learn something, we’ll start talking about dry rubs, vinegar-based marinades, slow-smoking, and the best barbeque sauce you’ve ever tasted.

This is where we too, draw the line. We’ll give up our seats to smelly old Southern ladies, and sir and ma’am you to death while we’re down there, but when you start messing with our “Q”, we get a little testy also.

There’s nothing sacred about the “Sloppy Joe” method of barbeque cooking.

Yes Burkey old bean, if it’s diversity you want, ‘dis be da place. Excelsior, my Southern brethren!

posted 02-01- 03:35 PM               

Mk10, THE place for serial killers is Houston, Texas and around the Clear Lake parts. (League City, Kemah, Clear Lake, Dickinson etc...) We have the highest rate of Serial Killers, and semi-serial killers and psychopaths here. (More mass deaths than we know what to do with. Half of these crimes go unsolved) Just went over that in Government today... I never knew I lived in such a dangerous place.

Oh and as for 17 year old gang members, I know a few and theyre on their way to kick your ass as I type this. Dont be surprised if you see me among them.

posted 02-01- 04:41 PM               

(And I love the "aight" part...truly Texan...I catch my relatives down there doing it all the time...I mean,...saying "aight"...)

posted 02-01- 05:04 PM               

Wow...'57...so you're not even late-model then? Must have a single-wide. Only a dumb redneck would mess up a classic car like that.

And I didn't say all we used was beef, I just said that you-all eat the parts of the pig that no self-respecting Missourian would, that's all.

Oh my God, did I just say "you-all"? Eeeeek! It's showing, it's showing! Help!

posted 02-01- 06:43 PM               

Waitaminute...hmmmm...them's likely to be Texican calculators...they might be pretty good-sized...better rethink this one...