posted 07-13- 09:49 AM               

>>>THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON *SHOULD* HAVE GIVEN
>>>
>>> Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her
>>> like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
>>> Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
>>> haven't been paying attention.
>>>
>>> The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno,
>>> Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like
>>> and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
>>> Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the
>>> ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
>>> equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
>>>
>>> So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
>>> smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in
>>> the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell,
>>> sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass
>>> that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
>>>
>>> Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was
>>> as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out
>>> to be a good move on your part.
>>> Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
>>> resident of some place called Kennebunkport who thought he could bomb
>>> his way into the White House.
>>> Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
>>> Alzheimer's he came in with.
>>> There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,
>>> smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
>>> Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
>>> 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente
>>> for his crackerjack style of governing.
>>> Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
>>> to American society was Agent Orange.
>>> And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
>>> long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
>>> "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
>>> White House.
>>>
>>> Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo
>>> here at the White House, government is doing more for less.
>>> The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
>>> to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
>>> Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
>>> night-watchman.
>>> And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
>>> dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell
>>> 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his
>>> boat, instead of where is or her next meal is coming from.
>>>
>>> Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
>>> showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
>>> daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles,
>>> and then I'd like to discuss it.
>>> In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
>>> you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
>>> Presidential limousine.

>>>Subject: The White House Bathroom
>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Bill and Hillary have a big bipartisan dinner party at the
>White
>>>House.
>>>>> During dinner, Dan Quayle excuses himself to use the
>bathroom.
>>>After a
>>>>> couple of minutes, he comes back, looking smug. On the way
>home, Dan
>>>>turns
>>>>> to Marilyn and says, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold
>urinal in
>>>his
>>>>> bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the
>budget
>>>>after
>>>>> buying that? We've really caught him with his pants down
>this time!"
>>>>>
>>>>> Marilyn says, "When we get home, why don't you call up the
>paper and
>>>>let
>>>>> them know, dear."
>>>>>
>>>>> The next morning Hillary opens the newspaper to see a
>headline
>>>> "CLINTONS SPLURGE ON GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE."
>>
>> Hillary shouts up to the bedroom, "Bill! I found out who peed in
>your
>>Saxophone!"

>Subject: Clinton Joke
>
>>During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
>Fortune
>>teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into
>a
>>crystal
>>ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
>>
>>"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
>Yourself
>>to
>>be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
>>year."
>>
>>Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
>the
>>single
>>flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
>breaths
>>to
>>compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
>teller's
>>gaze,
>>steadied her voice, and asked her question.
>>
>>"Will I be acquitted?"

Cheers
Himdog out