posted 12-31- 12:37 AM               

Sermon on Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and
said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my
sermon on the sin of lying."
**********
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's
Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a
$10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it
on her
butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50
bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on
her other
cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me
took
over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the
$60
bucks, and went home.
***
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored
after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court
had the mightiest "sword".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest
sword...
he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The
member
doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the courtiers
waved
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest sword.
He
dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. His member
doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the courtiers waved
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King
finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest sword of them all!" He
dropped
his
pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not even a 30 pound,
but a
40 pound weight to himself. The member doth rose. The crowds
cheered...the
women swooned...the courtiers waved multi-colored banners...and the
band
played "God Save the Queen."
*******
Dracula

So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their
car.
They
get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at
the
windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the
abomination,"
shouts the second. She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he
clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in
the
Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
hisses
again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun.

"Show him your cross!" says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING
HOOD!!"
*****
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam
and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
************************************************
An 80 year old man was having his annual
checkup and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've
got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant
and having my child! What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then
said, "Let me tell you a story.

I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a
hurry and he accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued,
"So he was in the woods and suddenly
a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at
the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor
queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in
front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied
the doctor.